Deep down, all people are good....

....it's just difficult to get past the ribs to the really tasty parts.

I can be somewhat disillusioned when it comes to humans. It's not that I'm cynical, we just all suck. The social constructs we weave around ourselves, to create a senseless prison, are frustrating to say the least.

God loved the birds and made trees....Man loved the birds and made cages.

We have emotions, good and bad ones. They can occasionally override logical thought. To complicate things, we also have a plethora of -mostly unwritten- laws attempting to control how we deal with our feelings; taboos, stiff upper lips, keeping up appearances, "proper" behaviour, religion, dating protocols, institutions such as marriage...

Love, in its purest form, is arguably one of the finest and most powerful emotions (brief aside: Ziggy Marley is Epic Win); yet we so often manage to spoil it with jealousy (and who doesn't love Freddy?).

Relationships have been on my mind rather a lot lately; dealing with the fallout of friends' romantic dilemmas, other friends getting engaged/married, various dramas and gossip, have all had me thinking about how I relate to others, and how that compares to the general populace.

I've also met some thought-provoking people and had great discussions on various subjects. One of them I was interviewing for FYi RADiO, and had some interesting things to say on the subject of sexuality and its fluid nature; having previously considered himself a happy out-n-proud homosexual, he is now a happily (heterosexually) married father of one. Another is an enlightened Swede (I'm slowly building up a collection of them) who seems to share similar views to me regarding relationships.

Far too much defining and limiting goes on in mainstream thinking. Friendship is this, and "serious" relationship is this; friends can't cuddle, or hold hands, or share a bed; partners must only do these things with each other. I am this, therefore I can only be romantically/sexually attracted to/involved with this; why is a gay man treated like a heinous traitor for finding happiness with a woman, getting married and having kids?

Can't we just go with the flow, and do whatever feels right in the situation? Why the rigid adherence to generalised preconceptions about ourselves? Why the stifling sets of "appropriate" and "inappropriate" behaviours? I have good friends whose company I truly enjoy; it has been assumed on more than one occasion that we are dating, when the relationship couldn't be any more platonic. It's at once amusing and infuriating. Blur the lines a bit, people! Break down the walls! In previous blog entries I ranted about how we sometimes view physical contact; how sad, for example, that two male friends would refrain from exploring any physical element to their relationship (eg hugging) for fear of appearing gay.

The dubious virtues of monogamy is another aspect of relationships open to debate. Had you asked me a few years ago, I would have been quite staunchly all for it, and why not? We are brought up with the concept drummed into us as the ultimate ideal. Yet it is a practice founded on jealousy and possessiveness, neither of which I would consider beneficial.

The highly unrealistic Hollywood/Disney concept of One True Love ^(TM) only serves to compound the problem. Two people meet, perhaps become friends first, get along, and then the Next Step is taken and they're Going Out. So much unnecessary stress and pressure to Live Happily Ever After, and somehow the relationship changes; rather than progressing naturally, easily, suddenly everyone's talking about it, there's nerves, a whole list of things to live up to. One person has to fulfil all of another's needs and desires, almost from day one it seems. There is a monopoly on who they can see, how they can interact with others. You can't hang out together, you have to go on Dates. Suspicion and jealousy rear their ugly heads, people feel "trapped" in their relationship, some "cheat". They've moved out of the "friendship" box and into the "partners" box, where the rules must be different.

Those who aren't privileged and are Single can feel a sense of despair, longing, sadness. They're not good enough to be in this fabled Relationship. Attraction, or Crushes, become a source of boundless angst, for fear of expressing love and receiving rejection, or apprehension over what moving out of the Friendship box will do to the existing relationship. Pointless. Complicating.

Marriage; once a business/political contract, joining tribes/families, sealing the exchange of land and possessions (including the woman). Nowadays more for "love" (and to give into peer pressure, religion, for legal/tax benefits, or immigration, and to claim exclusive possession of each other). Noble.

Am I generalising? Of course, but I've met far too many people who are all worked up over the whole monogamous relationship thing.

Do I disagree with monogamy in general? No; I disagree with it being marketed as the One and Only Way, and of people falsely committing to a monogamous relationship, when they're going to cheat. Certainly, if two people grow close enough that they meet all each others' desires, or they wish to take on the responsibility of raising a family, then monogamy could work. Divorce statistics would suggest a lot of people are rather hasty in making that decision, though.

How sensible is it, considering the fluidity of sexuality and character, to bind oneself into a lifelong emotional and sexual relationship with one person, and one person only?

Nor is this justification for being a slut. I view promiscuity as lots of sex, with minimal relationship. What I'm talking about is being open to concurrent relationships developing naturally, building trust and respect, taking them as far as the people involved wish, without adding all the complications and social hangups. Omitting the jealousy. It doesn't always have to lead to copulation, nor does it have to avoid copulation. There are other forms of intimacy/physical closeness that are just as valid, perhaps more so in certain situations.

Besides, sex is the last thing I'm looking for in a person.


(But it's still on the list, with a very select few.)