Rather, let's ponder self-harm. To quote mind.org.uk
"...a way of expressing very deep distress. Often, people don't know why they self-harm. It's a means of communicating what can't be put into words or even into thoughts and has been described as an inner scream. Afterwards, people feel better able to cope with life again, for a while.
Self-harm is a broad term. People may injure or poison themselves by scratching, cutting or burning their skin, by hitting themselves against objects, taking a drug overdose, or swallowing or putting other things inside themselves. It may also take less obvious forms, including unnecessary risks, staying in an abusive relationship, developing an eating problem (such as anorexia or bulimia), being addicted to alcohol or drugs, or someone simply not looking after their own emotional or physical needs.
These responses may help someone to cope with feelings that threaten to overwhelm them; painful emotions, such as rage, sadness, emptiness, grief, self-hatred, fear, loneliness and guilt. These can be released through the body, where they can be seen and dealt with. Self-harm may serve a number of purposes at the same time. It may be a way of getting the pain out, of being distracted from it, of communicating feelings to somebody else, and of finding comfort. It can also be a means of selfpunishment or an attempt to gain some control over life. Because they may feel ashamed, afraid, or worried about other people’s reactions, people who self-harm often conceal what they are doing rather than draw attention to it.
It's worth remembering that most people behave self-destructively at times, even if they don't realise it. Perfectly ordinary behaviour, such as smoking, eating and drinking too much, or working long hours, day after day, can all be helping people to numb or distract themselves and avoid being alone with their thoughts and feelings..."
For me, SH was a coping mechanism; a vent for emotions that I could either turn on others, or myself. It's very against my character to lash out, and probably would have landed me in a lot of trouble. So I self-harmed instead. A far more discreet and introverted path to destruction.
It took various forms (predominantly burns, impacts, eating disorders, and mental torture) and grew progressively worse over several years (in line with my life situation). At the climax, things were quite severe.
I feel it's important to note that I didn't quit just by saying "I don't want this" or "I'm not going to". Blunt truth is, I did want to. I enjoyed it, and made sure the wounds would cause me grief for as long as possible.
I'm soon approaching a year 'clean' thanks to facing - and then dealing with - the issues I had at the time, combating my depression, alongside a determination to stop and find other outlets for any recurring urges. I'm proud to say I'm much more at ease with myself and my lot in life than I've ever been; in fact, I'm more than just at ease with things, I'm glad of them. And I remain this way by remembering what it was like, recognising the signs, and arresting the descent into depression before I'm too far down the slippery slope. Dealing with the molehills before they become mountains.
I have various mementos (mostly jewelery and notepads) that I use to remind me of difficult times and lessons learnt; reminders that I've been through that, dealt with this, have come through stronger and can do it all again.
In the case of SH, I have the scars as souvenirs; it's a shame I can't take them off or leave them at home like all my other keepsakes, or stop them hurting in the cold. But there they are, symbols of my foolishness, my desperation, my growth, my strength and my triumph.
Aut inveniam viam aut faciam.
