1. The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.3. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.
I'm not really interested in the first two definitions. Kinky, but not currently pertinent. It is the third and final meaning of the word that I feel applies to me all too well. I am a glutton for suffering at times, and I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not.
I enjoy pain and physical hardship. My job and my hobbies all involve various degrees of discomfort, on many different levels. Life is easier to handle when it's there; I begin to fall apart when I'm not getting enough. My mind torments me psychologically, emotionally; why not physically, too? It helps balance things; if my body is missing out, the mind tends to compensate by becoming insanely depressed.
Self-destructive behaviour? Maybe. Maybe not. After all, what doesn't kill you, merely postpones the inevitable.
This evening, I deliberately harmed myself for the first time in ages, since mid-2008. Not much, just a few wounds. It felt...good. It still feels good. The blisters are fresh and raw; it throbs exquisitely, focusing my mind on something it can't use to chew up my insides. The scars are rarely noticeable, unless you look close enough. It's infinitely better than comfort-eating, which just leaves me feeling pathetic and even more miserable.
Right? Wrong? Does it matter? Should it matter? Is it worth fighting? No pain, no gain; so is the pain a bad thing?
1 comment:
It's okay as long as you're still the one in control- if you can make an active decision to do it to make yourself feel better as opposed to it growing into a compulsion.
I do actually agree that it seems to help more than comfort-eating, but since my reason for it is to find a point of focus for my problems, and it helps me become less nervous. So I always disinfect the saw-blade of the pen-knife I use, and try to keep it clean. Sometimes I enjoy pain, sometimes I don't at all. The throbbing afterwards is the best, it can keep me together if I'm in a bad place mentally.
I think your proclivity for hard, painful work or trying experiences is a part of you, and although you could become an interesting chew-toy for a psychologist who'd try to find out why this is.. but the reason for it is pretty irrelevant. So don't worry.
W
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