Recent weeks have seen a heightened amount of introspection on my part. Usually, I am merely hypercritical and self-doubting; that aspect is still there, however I have been making a conscious effort to move beyond it. Which is good, I suppose. Otherwise I would just be depressed again.
(I'm not entirely sure where this post is going, so it may ramble a bit.)
As a person, I find myself confusing, and I have it on good authority that others also perceive me in this way. On the one hand (exempli gratia) I am naturally expressive of emotion and a poor liar. My face is apparently an open book. And yet, on the other hand, I frustrate those around me by giving nothing away. Thoughts, feelings, opinions, if present, rarely get externalised. I am extremely skilled at being vague. I find probing questions discomforting and, frankly, often offensive. If I do ever speak out, it's usually in writing. There have been few things of sufficient importance to make me speak openly.
Part of it, I feel, is that all too frequently I don't have an opinion when others expect me to. Events that seem to enrapture most people, slide right by me, barely registering. I just don't care for major holidays, or celebrations, or celebrities, et al. It isn't dislike; they merely elicit little or no emotion. They don't excite me, I don't ponder over them, I have no view to express. Why should I? It's all just "meh".
Another aspect could be that I am very much a "here and now" person. Dwelling on the past just leads to beating myself up, living in the future is a futile endeavour. I don't talk about myself or my past very often in conversation; I prefer to ask questions and let other people do the talking.
Unavoidable, also, is what might be deemed insecurity. I am introverted and very private.
A friend once made some remarks that stuck with me. To paraphrase, she said "I know almost nothing about you. You rarely say anything, but I know that when you do say something, it will be important to you. I trust you and can tell you things; I'm not sure why, but I suppose it's because you've never given me any reason not to. You don't buy into all the bullshit gossip, judging, back-biting that so many people deal in..."
I was flattered, of course, but some interesting questions were raised in my mind. Would she still want to be around me if she knew more about me? Things I've done? Who I am? What I am? Why do so many people freely open up to me, and why can I not do the same with others? Do I need to? Should I?
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