You can't have everything....

Besides, where would you put it?

I have the urge to write; the beehive of my mind once more scoffs at the prospect of a night's sleep. I want to write about everything, and yet nothing. Both are impossible goals. How often have I set myself unattainable targets, and then been vaguely disappointed when I almost (but not quite) reached them?

Too many times, and 'vaguely disappointed' might be a bit of a facetious understatement.

I can't have everything, but I find myself craving it. (Perhaps if I shoved it in the back of my closet...? We could reenact scenes from Narnia, it would be great...)

I just wish there was one thing I both enjoyed and was good at. Which doesn't necessarily imply I think I'm completely useless (despite the perceived opprobrium my hyper-critical judgment constantly attempts to place upon my self-image). Jack of all trades, master of none, as the saying goes.

I can't decide what I want to do with myself; I tend to have an aptitude and affinity for a disgusting range of activities. But to actually do anything worthwhile with any of them would require dedication and effort; a combination of laziness, fleeting impulsiveness, and a dread of failure, conspire against me.

Things I used to enjoy doing now fill me with despair; the reasons for my enjoyment, my desire to do them, have all gone, leaving a void that I'm struggling to fill (not least in my bank account). Where to move on to now? How to do so? How to explain doing so....?

Buggrit. Give me everything, with cream and mocha butter-icing on top.

My apologies for the obscurity of this post. Here, have some Corrs to make you feel better.

Are free goods better than those you have to pay for?

A charity I once volunteered for was in the business, amongst other things, of providing literature to those who ordinarily wouldn't have access to it. People in developing countries could buy books on all manner of subjects. Key word: buy. A price was set according to the general wealth of people in the country, but a price there was, even for the truly destitute.

Why can this be seen as a good thing? If the charity wasn't doing it purely to cover their costs (which were far greater than anything they could make off just selling books)? Because it made the people value what they were receiving.

Each day, I have thrust upon me reams of pamphlets, newspapers, et al, none of which I particularly want, all of which are free. Frankly, I don't even appreciate it enough to wipe my arse with them (take heed, all ye accursed LondonLite distributors). But were I to sacrifice something to obtain them, even a fairly negligible pittance, each sheet would mean at least a little something to me.

Moving on from the realms of gratis processed tree carcass, let us use this as an analogy for rights. Writing with the Western world in mind, allusions and explicit references to our "right" to do X, Y or Z, are rife. We have laws and systems and beliefs that are designed to empower us, uphold and protect our rights in almost every conceivable area of life.

But most of us haven't had to sacrifice a damn thing for them.

How often do we think about our liberties and freedoms, outside of the context of a debate over the justifiability of a specific action? How much do we take for granted peoples' rights to (theoretically) do as they please, within the confines of not harming others? And how many rights are hence infringed upon (or outright abused); to what extent are they undervalued?

I wonder if the skewing of equal rights, largely due to overzealous, misguided political correctness, can be attributed in part to this phenomenon? Or, to approach from a slightly different angle, do we even want equal rights any more?

Free speech! (as long as you concur with the majority consensus re what is acceptable). Bloody Thought Police; never there when you need 'em, eh?

How is it possible - nay, permissible - that people get so caught up in correct terminology, cunning word-play and Being Universally Palatable, that the very essence of free speech (or the point of a debate) is lost in a soul-devouring vortex of facade and smarmy conjecture? Why, in the modern Western world, are there cries to gag those we disagree with?

Have my most cynical fears truly been realised? Have we really degenerated so far, as to be incapable of hearing another's puerile opinion without embracing it as our own, to the point where individuals are deemed to require silencing? Can we not be satisfied with offering up our own views and debating our differences, rather than demanding certain views not be aired?

How ironic that rights and anti-bigotry laws can now enhance the arsenal of the very stances they were supposed to oppose.

Honey, if you love me.....

....won't you please, please smile?

A curious, amusing game from my younger years. If you happen to be unfamiliar with it, the basic concept was thus: the group sits around in a circle, generally on chairs, with one person in the middle. This person selects someone, sits on their knee or lap, and recites the line "Honey, if you love me, won't you please, please smile?" using any mannerisms/tone they wish. If the person manages to keep a straight face whilst replying with "I love you honey, but I just can't smile", another victim is selected and the process repeated until a smile is produced, whereupon the two swap places and the new person in the middle continues the routine.

All in the name of fun and entertainment, but rather similar to the mind games people have a habit of playing in real life. "If you really loved me, you wouldn't do that..." "You're my friend, you have to come." "If you truly appreciated what we have, you wouldn't be afraid to take the next step..." "You can't say you love me and want to be with me, and expect me to believe you if you then say you don't want to have sex."; demanding others jump through hoops, manipulating them into doing something that supposedly validates and proves the existence of a relationship (be it friendship, family, religious, or romantic).

That's not to say we shouldn't do things for those we love (or those we hate, depending on your views regarding forgiveness, and killing your enemies with kindness, and all that jazz). Even things that require personal sacrifice in some form. I hope that I generally make it clear that there isn't anything at all people shouldn't ask of me; they just shouldn't assume or expect compliance purely on the basis of the existence/desired affirmation of a relationship/rappor.

If I do something for another, I want it to be out of love, a desire to please the person, adherence to my (overbearing) sense of integrity, perhaps to create opportunities for new experiences, or achieve some form of gain (mutual or otherwise). Not to merely feed the concept of a bond between us, satisfy social expectations, or ratify emotions *coughreligiouspeoplecough.* (It all applies to religion/a relationship with a god, too. Perhaps more so).

For when that starts to happen, the things we do cease to be about the people involved, and begin to center around sustaining the image of a relationship; taking action out of a misplaced sense of duty, as opposed to communicating with each other. Perpetuation takes precedence; fear of the unknown prevents a relationship from running its natural course (be that towards demise, or greater depths of trust and intimacy).

Instead of being something to describe people relating to each other, the relationship becomes an entity in its own right, which must be sated. It must progress through various preconceived stages, in the right order, and once one 'level' has been attained, it is hard to go back to a 'lower' level. You've already been to third base, so henceforth you have to go at least that far again. You've done W, X and Y together, so the only next logical step is to do Z, and you simply have to go there for the relationship to mean something. Right? Your self-worth is entirely dependent on upholding relationships with friends, deities, and lovers. Right?

Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid.

Interaction needs to happen in both directions; that's why it's inter-action, instead of just actions out of obligation. Relationships should yield rewards other than "being in a relationship".

Change should not be feared and resisted. People grow together; people grow apart. The wheel of life keeps on turning.

Ad infinitum....vita aeterna

BFF - Best Friends Forever. Eternal Life. Eternal Damnation. "I'll love you forever".

Infinity. Eternity. Forever. Evermore. Hogwash.

As humans, we seem to have an obsession with stagnation. A refusal to embrace change, growth, the spice of life. We want things to last forever; why? Fear of the unknown future? Why is "eternal life" the ultimate reward? Is what we have never good enough?

Certainly, it is pleasant when a good thing lasts more than a fleeting moment. But who's to say that if a good thing passes on, it won't give way to something better?

One can spend so much time and energy in futile attempts to prolong, preserve, and hoard, that something perishes without being fully enjoyed. Smell the flowers now; tomorrow they will be gone. Don't store that food until it is stale and mouldy, because it is too good to eat. "Eat, drink, and be merry".

Clinging to relationships (be it family, friends or the OneTrueLove^TM) and not wanting to have to make new ones, long after your lives have gone down different paths, is senseless. I suspect that worrying over how to keep someone forever, has killed more than one relationship.

Similarly, fretting endlessly about health (sometimes to the point where it makes you ill and stressed!); enjoy things in moderation, don't refuse every slice of white bread, piece of cake, drink or cigarette, for the sake of the extra two weeks' life it might bring you when you're old and decrepit and shitting in your pants. When death could be just around the corner, as inevitable as taxes, why waste time and effort to suffer in vain?

Friends, food, moments, love, lovers, life....all come to an end. Fact. There's no use worrying about it. I'd rather simply enjoy it all as much as I can when I have it, and when it's gone; it's gone.

Deep down, all people are good....

....it's just difficult to get past the ribs to the really tasty parts.

I can be somewhat disillusioned when it comes to humans. It's not that I'm cynical, we just all suck. The social constructs we weave around ourselves, to create a senseless prison, are frustrating to say the least.

God loved the birds and made trees....Man loved the birds and made cages.

We have emotions, good and bad ones. They can occasionally override logical thought. To complicate things, we also have a plethora of -mostly unwritten- laws attempting to control how we deal with our feelings; taboos, stiff upper lips, keeping up appearances, "proper" behaviour, religion, dating protocols, institutions such as marriage...

Love, in its purest form, is arguably one of the finest and most powerful emotions (brief aside: Ziggy Marley is Epic Win); yet we so often manage to spoil it with jealousy (and who doesn't love Freddy?).

Relationships have been on my mind rather a lot lately; dealing with the fallout of friends' romantic dilemmas, other friends getting engaged/married, various dramas and gossip, have all had me thinking about how I relate to others, and how that compares to the general populace.

I've also met some thought-provoking people and had great discussions on various subjects. One of them I was interviewing for FYi RADiO, and had some interesting things to say on the subject of sexuality and its fluid nature; having previously considered himself a happy out-n-proud homosexual, he is now a happily (heterosexually) married father of one. Another is an enlightened Swede (I'm slowly building up a collection of them) who seems to share similar views to me regarding relationships.

Far too much defining and limiting goes on in mainstream thinking. Friendship is this, and "serious" relationship is this; friends can't cuddle, or hold hands, or share a bed; partners must only do these things with each other. I am this, therefore I can only be romantically/sexually attracted to/involved with this; why is a gay man treated like a heinous traitor for finding happiness with a woman, getting married and having kids?

Can't we just go with the flow, and do whatever feels right in the situation? Why the rigid adherence to generalised preconceptions about ourselves? Why the stifling sets of "appropriate" and "inappropriate" behaviours? I have good friends whose company I truly enjoy; it has been assumed on more than one occasion that we are dating, when the relationship couldn't be any more platonic. It's at once amusing and infuriating. Blur the lines a bit, people! Break down the walls! In previous blog entries I ranted about how we sometimes view physical contact; how sad, for example, that two male friends would refrain from exploring any physical element to their relationship (eg hugging) for fear of appearing gay.

The dubious virtues of monogamy is another aspect of relationships open to debate. Had you asked me a few years ago, I would have been quite staunchly all for it, and why not? We are brought up with the concept drummed into us as the ultimate ideal. Yet it is a practice founded on jealousy and possessiveness, neither of which I would consider beneficial.

The highly unrealistic Hollywood/Disney concept of One True Love ^(TM) only serves to compound the problem. Two people meet, perhaps become friends first, get along, and then the Next Step is taken and they're Going Out. So much unnecessary stress and pressure to Live Happily Ever After, and somehow the relationship changes; rather than progressing naturally, easily, suddenly everyone's talking about it, there's nerves, a whole list of things to live up to. One person has to fulfil all of another's needs and desires, almost from day one it seems. There is a monopoly on who they can see, how they can interact with others. You can't hang out together, you have to go on Dates. Suspicion and jealousy rear their ugly heads, people feel "trapped" in their relationship, some "cheat". They've moved out of the "friendship" box and into the "partners" box, where the rules must be different.

Those who aren't privileged and are Single can feel a sense of despair, longing, sadness. They're not good enough to be in this fabled Relationship. Attraction, or Crushes, become a source of boundless angst, for fear of expressing love and receiving rejection, or apprehension over what moving out of the Friendship box will do to the existing relationship. Pointless. Complicating.

Marriage; once a business/political contract, joining tribes/families, sealing the exchange of land and possessions (including the woman). Nowadays more for "love" (and to give into peer pressure, religion, for legal/tax benefits, or immigration, and to claim exclusive possession of each other). Noble.

Am I generalising? Of course, but I've met far too many people who are all worked up over the whole monogamous relationship thing.

Do I disagree with monogamy in general? No; I disagree with it being marketed as the One and Only Way, and of people falsely committing to a monogamous relationship, when they're going to cheat. Certainly, if two people grow close enough that they meet all each others' desires, or they wish to take on the responsibility of raising a family, then monogamy could work. Divorce statistics would suggest a lot of people are rather hasty in making that decision, though.

How sensible is it, considering the fluidity of sexuality and character, to bind oneself into a lifelong emotional and sexual relationship with one person, and one person only?

Nor is this justification for being a slut. I view promiscuity as lots of sex, with minimal relationship. What I'm talking about is being open to concurrent relationships developing naturally, building trust and respect, taking them as far as the people involved wish, without adding all the complications and social hangups. Omitting the jealousy. It doesn't always have to lead to copulation, nor does it have to avoid copulation. There are other forms of intimacy/physical closeness that are just as valid, perhaps more so in certain situations.

Besides, sex is the last thing I'm looking for in a person.


(But it's still on the list, with a very select few.)

i am the voices......

Yes! I hear you cry out in astonishment and woe; 'tis I indeed! Back once more from the dark and mysterious nethers of obscurity, breaking radio silence with grandiose prolix aplomb, and striking forth once more into the dubious realms of international renown, bearing gifts of tautological obfuscation and recondite prose. Behold (aghast, perchance) as I weave tales of whimsy and spin elaborate flights of fancy before your bedazzled eyes!

Or not, as the case may be. Buggrit! (as Foul Old Ron would likely put it).

As of late, I haven't been lacking in time to blog, so much as lacking inspiration and drive. My reticent nature (whilst quietly longing for someone willing to persist and prise information from me) forbids the documenting of every fleeting spat, crush, whinge, nonevent, and minor tribulation in my humble existence. Maybe I'm just not in touch with my inner teenage girl. Meh. Who needs an inner child, when you can have an inner chicken?! *SQUAWK!*

I hit a turning point today. After a long, dark period of self-scrutiny, questioning and (let's face it) depression, something, somehow, fell into place. Like the dropping of the finest of pins onto the cold hard floor of the cavernous dimensions of the mind, sending disproportionate echoes reverberating to the farthest reach, at a frequency that cuts through the hubbub of the psyche as if it were perfect silence. Spreading, seeping steadily through everything like a damp British fog, changing nothing whilst altering all. A peculiar sensation to put into words.

Strange, really, the things we hold on to. The buried thoughts and memories, lodged and hidden, that, for all intents and purposes, should be insignificant and yet conspire to cause untold grief and torment. How odd that something I once stated, as the culmination of insidious ideas I had been led (or led myself) to believe, should be the vital strand. That elusive segment of the tangle, which needs but a small nudge; to be looked at in a different light, from a different angle, in order to start the whole mess unravelling.

There will certainly be more knots to untie as the jumble unwinds. I hope and pray this isn't a brief high on my emotional rollercoaster, soon to be banished (yet again) by the uncontrollable plummet into devastation and morose self-pity/-absorption; a momentary surfacing of an extroverted, exuberant persona, soon to go the way of the mayfly.

But via the releasing of these memories, I have rediscovered the Meaning(lessness) of Life (or was it Liff?), together with the ability to earnestly cease taking it all so damn seriously. The damage will slowly be built over, stronger than before.

Here's to new beginnings, old endings, obscure neglected vocabulary, and sausages.

rAmen.

Oh, and here's also to the cute foreign barman I'm so going to hit on, for the lulz, next Tuesday.

Peace out.

Don't Believe Everything You Think

I'm sure I'll remember what I wanted to write about eventually, but for now, let's talk about exams.

They annoy me. Partly because almost all my friends are currently in the throes of exam season, and are resultantly busy and tired and stressed. But also in a broader sense. Such an inaccurate, traumatic method of judging and separating people. Not to mention, with current trends in moderation, increasingly useless as the bar continues to be dropped. So much for standards.

One of my pet peeves is the onus placed on people to succeed in exams, gain qualifications, go to university, etc. Complete and utter bollocks. Certainly, if you want to be a doctor, or a microbiologist, teacher, or any other profession that explicitly requires a university diploma, go for it. But why all the stress and angst? Especially if what would really make you happy is a job completely unrelated to any of the academic qualifications you're accruing.

I wanted to leave school after O-levels; ended up making a deal with the parents, which involved my staying on until I'd done A-levels.

I pretty much left home as soon as I'd finished my exams. And guess what? In nearly five years since, not one person or prospective employer has asked about my exams. No one gives a flying duck (sic) that I got the highest attainable grade in all my subjects up to AS level, the best IGCSE English results in the country, distinctions in my music grades, or an ABB for A-level in Physics, Pure Maths and Biology, despite not doing any coursework (30% of the grade, hence the B's). Heck, I don't even know where the damn certificates are any more. Useless bits of paper.

Why lose so much sleep over something that means so little? Chillax and enjoy.

Bingo! Brain has come back with what I was supposed to be rambling about, during a quasi-random Facebook conversation with Frau Steeple (who really shouldn't be so entertainingly cruel towards Herr Schnick):

I was never one of the "cool" gang in school. Quite the opposite. I was most certainly one of the misfits, the strange fringe groups. I daresay I still am, being rather odd, and prone to random whims and personality jumps.

Some of my friends only fit in certain groups; they are uncomfortable if they are ever in another social circle. I regularly interact with people from so many opposing social factions, it's like a bad comedy. But I prefer it that way. My taste in people is like my taste in music; very eclectic.

Meh.